“You’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight.” Please… no.

It is often said after doing something rather tiresome that one will “sleep like a baby.” I never really thought about this phrase as being complete and utter bullshit until the other night when I was trying to get to sleep and couldn’t. I could not get comfortable no matter in what position I would lie, and so I tried a favorite of both my daughters, the butt in the air, knees tucked tightly under one’s body, face plant into the pillow, bed or stuffed animal which happens to be nearby. And do you know what I discovered? Not only could I not sleep, but I’m f*cking fat too because I could feel every roll on my belly being shoved into my inner organs by my knees. You know what else I learned? I’m getting old. My knees creaked so much on the way into that position that you’d swear I was a set of old, wooden stairs. The girls, and other babies I know, always loved that position, and now that they are toddlers, I still see them giving it a whirl every now and then and sleeping soundly.

My recommendation? Do not try this at home.

And now that I was thoroughly uncomfortable and awake, my mind wandered to the crock of shit that is this expression in the first place. Sleep like a baby? Surely you can’t mean sleep like my babies, because my babies tended, and still do often, sleep like total crap.

After an unsuccessful, because I wouldn’t pay for it probably, search on Google, I was not able to find out where and when this lovely turn of phrase originated, but I realized that it doesn’t matter. Others online defended the phrase with explanations of- When a baby does sleep, it sleeps hard and you can’t wake it sometimes. You can pick the baby up and move it and it stays asleep. My niece had a baby that slept almost all night long almost immediately after she pushed his almost 10lb body out of her whoo-ha, and I was oh so very jealous. Happy for her, of course, but jealous that my own baby had not done the same, and was sure at the time that my new baby which would be born just a couple months later, wouldn’t either. And I was right. My first was more of the variety of if I let a breath escape or, gasp, made the floor creak, she was going to be wide awake as though the night had already passed.

Just the other night I was awake nine times and restless 23 times. It’s not because I have problems sleeping. It’s because I have two daughters. For a total of 1 hour and 11 minutes, I was up checking on, tending to and whatever else needed to be done to appease the gods children. (Thank you FitBit for your wealth of knowledge. I wish I’d had you in the early days.) I know that’s all part of being a mom, and that one day it will stop and I will probably look back and miss being needed in that way, especially when the reasons are legitimate like being sick, or having a bad dream. But let’s be honest and just say that not always are the reasons legitimate and sometimes the little angry dictators just want to see how far they can push mommy-kins.

I remember when I first brought my oldest one home. My sister told me to let her spend the night in the nursery at the hospital, and the thought was just too much for the new mother to handle, so she didn’t listen. Then she proceeded to have her first taste of sleep with a breastfeeding newborn with latch issues and sleep issues and the happy family all came home. My sister came to visit me shortly after the homecoming, and when she walked in and saw me I remember her saying something to the effect of, “Oh this is worse than I thought.” She was super helpful, (I mean that legitimately rather than sarcastically as I would usually) and with the help of a lactation consultant, some things got better. But the reality of the sleep situation was that I would spend an eternity trying to get my lovely little daughter to sleep only to have her wake immediately upon putting her down and having to start all over again. She and I did the nightly battle for about 18 months when I had her sister, and miraculously she started being a bit better. No doubt, I was still doing nightly double duty, but it was an improvement. She is turning 4 soon, (sniff, sniff) and she sleeps pretty well. So for those of you with young babies, just hang in there! They do get older, and they will eventually sleep. It may literally take years… but it will happen.

And so you see, this is what happens when Mommy finds herself uncomfortable and unable to sleep. She ponders the really deep matters of life like who the crackpot was who first turned that truly awful phrase of “sleep like a baby.” At least I now know what to wish upon my worst enemies…

Babi a Fi
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17 thoughts on ““You’re gonna sleep like a baby tonight.” Please… no.

  1. I’m glad to know that there is actually light at the end of the tunnel! Just when I think my little guy has this sleeping thing down….he wants to stay up and pull an all-nighter! Mommy can’t hang like I used to!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I tried the butt in the air thing too when I was unable to sleep – discovered the same thing. This position stinks! Where did THAT roll come from? And I love the – sleep does get better – it may take literally years, but it does get better! Made me laugh – I agree! I never had a good sleeper, but (without jinxing myself) the kids have been sleeping better which gives me the chance to have a good night sleep too (as long as I can sleep 😉 )

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hey… it might have come from my kids… please don’t hate me! #1 slept 7-7 from 8 weeks, #2 slept 6:30-5:30 from 13 weeks… unless they’re ill, then it’s all over. But I do now have a 3-year-old behaving like a baby at bedtime if that makes you feel better?! She now demands that I sit by her bed and stroke her hair for 2 hours before eventually crashing, then inevitably crawls in with us somewhere around 3am! #stayclassymama

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  4. Ha ha ha! There is a good reason I don’t want a device monitoring my sleep. I am better off not knowing.

    And, I can never figure out how my child can sleep in those weird positions either.

    Thanks for sharing on #FridayFrivolity

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  5. I love your blog title! And this is so true. My first child was definitely my worst sleeper. I couldn’t lay him down without him waking up. No, I don’t want to sleep like a baby, but I do wish I could sleep like a dog.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Haha! This is awesome. I have teens and toddlers. I don’t know that they ever sleep very well at any age. The tees rock sleeping in… just when I have to get up with the younger people. So, no sleep. Ever 😦 Thanks for sharing this at the #happynowlinkup

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  7. I recon I could sleep like that after bottle of wine. My son never slept until he was five and I was a walking zombie. You don’t know the meaning of tired until you have a baby. This post had me in stitches with your descriptions. Thank you for linking to #stayclassymama xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much! I am glad you liked it and have such a great place to link! Yeah-perhaps a bottle of wine would give me just the right amount of gumby-ness to sleep this way. Lol Major hangover and body pains the next day though. Lol.

      Like

  8. Pingback: The Happy Now Blog Link-Up #55

  9. Peachy has always been a great sleeper. I never really thought about it but it’s true that when she was little, she would sleep more soundly. She is still a great sleeper and sleeps a solid 10 hours at night, but if I were to walk into her room and the door creaked, she would wake up. When she was tiny, I could flap her arms and legs around and she wouldn’t wake up. I know because she fell asleep while eating on a few occasions and I tried to wake her rather unsuccessfully. #StayClassyMama

    Liked by 1 person

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