Go Eat A Big, Fat Piece of Humble Pie: 1 Year As A Stay At Home Mom

Mmmmm… pie.

I’m coming up on my one year anniversary of becoming a stay at home mom. For the most part, it has been an incredible experience, but not one without some serious lessons.

What doesn’t, amirite?

The biggest lesson has been to be more humble, and it’s hit me in a variety of ways.

One of the  big things about becoming a stay at home mom that caused me a lot of anxiety and tears shed was leaving a job that I absolutely loved, a curriculum that I lived and breathed, a school group that was an extension of my body and my heart, and a profession that made up a huge part of my identity. Who was I if I was not the 9th grade English teacher who sometimes struck fear in the hearts of 9th graders yet elicited eye rolls and hidden chuckles with my rewritten rap songs, classroom renditions, and corny jokes?

I was a teacher- a goofy, strict, pain in the ass, obnoxiously loud, loving, hardworking, good at what I did teacher. And I walked away from it.  It still makes me tear up and makes my heart ache…

BUT…

Not as much as not being with my two toddler girls would because…

I am also a mom.

I’m not as educated about being a mother. I fly by the seat of my pants Every. Single. Day.  It has been really hard at times. I have cried a lot, eaten a lot to comfort myself, drank as often as I could, commiserated with other moms that I know… anything I can think of to make it easier and more bearable at times.

I started blogging…

Not only have I been blogging, but I try to get my work out there and published as much as I can. I submitted a children’s story to an actual publisher just before the new year that I had been hanging on to, fearfully and hopefully, for the last two years.  I have entered writing challenges, sometimes on a weekly basis. I have applied for… I don’t even know how many remote positions in the writing and education fields. And I did get one… at an awesome company that I used and loved as an educator writing test preparatory material- something I did on a daily basis as a teacher. I eat and breathe test preparation for Pete’s sake, but it’s a contract position and when there isn’t anything for me to prep, I don’t.

I was told, brainwashed into thinking as I was going through college, that the chances of me getting a teaching job in Pennsylvania were slim to none, and was completely prepared to move out of state in order to obtain my first full time teaching position. The fall after graduation, I graduated in December instead of the spring, I had a full time job. I had never subbed in the district, did not know a soul related to the position, but I got a job. The next year when things were not going so well in my life personally, I managed to get another teaching position at a different district and location. Same thing- no subbing time put in, nor any connections.  I would again replicate the experience six years later as I was looking to relocate again to be closer to my future husband. The third time was definitely more competitive and more difficult, but I accomplished it and thrived at my final teaching destination creating a curriculum and an experience about which I could never have dreamed.

Now, I can’t get a job to save my life. “Your writing style is not a good fit for our content.” General comments made on writing platforms feel personal and vaguely directed at me, yet I have no confirmation of such things as nothing is directly stated. Other bloggers who started after me quickly gain far more followers and are helping to write e-books, and regularly contributing on some major platforms, being asked to even, not simply just applying and being accepted, and it is all a bit demoralizing.

Now it would be completely asinine to think that I shouldn’t have to work hard. I know I need to put my time in. I know I have a lot to learn. I don’t even know that I have fully found myself as a writer yet, my full style, my exact niche, or where I really belong. Maybe I don’t belong anywhere. It’s just a completely different experience than I have ever encountered in my life and when I look at it for what it is, it’s been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. And it’s far from over…

I would never have even thought to enter into this foreign world I find myself floundering in had I not been afforded the opportunity to stay home with my girls. They give me plenty of fodder about which I attempt to write and because of all of this find myself out of my true comfort zone, the classroom, where it seemed I couldn’t do much wrong, and into this pool of  incredible writing fish in which I am just a little minnow.

I never knew how much validation my old job gave me until it wasn’t there any more.

And as I feel I am starting to come off as complaining rather than reflecting, I believe it’s time to wrap this year of SAHMhood up by simply stating that motherhood and all the surprises that come along with it will knock you to your  knees time and time again, in both the positive and negative ways, but even though I feel inadequate at times, I know I have been so fortunate for all of this time with my girls, the attempts to chase a dream I had forgotten existed, and the possibilities which all of that may present, and I just have to keep reminding myself that  this big, fat piece of humble pie not only is so good for me, but it doesn’t really taste that bad either.

In fact, I might just go get another piece…

 

*** Update*** This piece was chosen as Most Inspirational Post for the week at