To hell with Christmas this year.
I want to commemorate a different holiday- one that is celebrated all year long in homes near and far… and has been since almost the beginning of time. It isn’t the most glamorous of holidays, and the ways in which it is celebrated are often far from decking the halls with boughs of holly, but it is beyond time we recognize its presence. ( Pun intended.)
And what better way to do so, than with a spiff off the old classic originating from somewhere near 1864, The Twelve Days of Christmas.
Let me now introduce to you, the Twelve Days of Mom’smas
On the first day of Mom’smas my child gave to me a dirty diaper soaked with pee.
Let’s be realistic, as a brand new mom will find out, if your baby is not peeing, it is a great concern, and so there will come a point when that sodden diaper or nappy is a gift. A short lived one, but a gift nonetheless.
On the second day of Mom’smas my children gave to me two shot nerves
Considering there are about 95-100 billion nerve cells in the body, what’s two shot nerves as a gift from the kiddos?
On the third day of Mom’smas my children gave to me three reasons to wear Depends
Go ahead Mom, sneeze with a full bladder. I dare you. Better yet, go jump on the kids’ trampoline for a little. You know what I’m talkin’ bout.
On the fourth day of Mom’smas my children gave to me four four- letter words
Mom’s don’t swear. The fuck we don’t! We make up new ones just so we can get away with more easily on a daily basis. “Oh Mother Hubbard!” when we step on a lego in the middle of the night in the dark as we sneak to the pantry for a chocolate treat after your butts are in bed. Thank you for that kids!
On the fifth day of Mom’smas my children gave to me five gross things.
Bugs (dead and alive), feces (human and animal), chewed up food, mucus and other bodily excretions or projectiles… lots of gross things you get to handle as a mom. Many thanks!
On the sixth day of Mom’smas my children gave to me six loans I’ll be repaying
The house we “had” to have to start our family, the cars to cart your asses around in, just the basic needs of a baby itself, all the way up to all of the activities you will be part of and their equipment/costumes/necessary items, prom dresses, parties, college tuitions, future weddings… the life of a mom is full of financing.
On the seventh day of Mom’smas my children gave to me seven pints I’ll fill to brimming
Beer, wine, shots….line’em up and slam’em down. You deserve it Momma!
On the eighth day of Mom’smas my children gave to me eight invoices I’ll be bilking
With all of those expenses mentioned, there will be times when bills just don’t get paid…
On the ninth day of Mom’smas my children gave to me nine rewritten raps I can sing
As a “fly mom” I can’t help but rewrite raps for my lovely children and their inspiration is a real gift. No matter if it’s raps, or whatever… their inspiration for good and bad is a part of Momlife.
On the tenth day of Mom’smas my children gave to me ten solid
hours minutes full of sleeping
Let me sleep child! I’m tired from catering to your every whim, cleaning up all of your messes, chauffeuring your booty around, helping with your homework, cooking for you so you stay alive, and everything in between.
On the eleventh day of Mom’smas my children gave to me eleven ideas for blogs to be writing
At least I can write about all the**** I go through right?
On the twelfth day of Mom’smas my children gave to me twelve ways like my mother I’m becoming…
So put these verses together, sing out loud and proud all year long Mommas, and rock the celebration of Mom’smas this year and every year.