The Shit We Tell Kids…

at Christmas.

Of course there are the usual batches of bullshit we shove down our child’s throats during the holiday season- the big fat guy, his little elves, yada yada yada. We bend and stretch that as far as it can take us.

I don’t know about other moms, but I have Santa on speed dial on my cell. I know, I’m that cool, right? When my kiddos are acting up, I just let them know that I’ll give Santa a little call and update him on their behavior. This is usually followed by,”No Mommy, No, Mommy. I be nice,” and the like. It’s a beautiful thing.  This opportunity won’t last for long, and I’m not ashamed to say that I will milk every ounce of it for all it’s worth in the short time I have to use it.

But this isn’t the only garbage we feed our kids.

I have a friend who got herself into a little pickle and waved her magic bullshit wand to get herself out of it. Assisted by her four year old son in decorating the tree this year, she found that he really had a flair for decorating… her tree with testicle bulb displays.


The Testicle Tree

All over her tree were precious little nut-sacks dangling in holiday style. Double the viewing pleasure. What’s worse is that her son was truly proud of his endeavor and so she was stuck letting it ride out… at least for awhile. Finally, this Momma just couldn’t take it anymore. The Christmas balls were driving her berserk.

So she set to aright all the dangly bits infesting her tree and was caught in the act.
“What are you doing Mommy?” The innocent young boy asked, heart breaking with each tweak. His eyes grew big as Cindy Luo Who’s when asking the Grinch why he was stealing their tree.

And this young Mommy, so sly and so slick, in true Grinchy fashion , she thought up a lie and she thought it up quick, “Oh honey, the tree is dying. So I have to move these balls around…” She held her breath only a second while her trusting young son gobbled down Mommy’s word as irrefutable truth and gullibly responded, “Oh, it’s dying? Ok Mama…”

And there you have it folks- bullshit served with a side of Christmas cheer.

Personally, I have a Christmas bulb orgy on my tree. My youngest found one particular branch she was fond of and just went to town.


I haven’t moved it, and I probably won’t, but rest assured in the next two weeks til Christmas, my little ones with be served plenty of holiday bull.

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12 thoughts on “The Shit We Tell Kids…

  1. Hahaha. At the Radio City Christmas Spectacular this year there is extra security. Kids on line were being annoying AND asking lots of questions. As the parents struggled to explain the wand searches of everyone going in I said, “That’s a naughty or nice wand — it texts Santa how we’ve all been behaving!”. Glad to join the tradition even without kids. A cute piece on the art, and science, of parenting.


  2. Oh this blog beats the pants off the usual sugary sweet mummy blogs! This is so real and honest. Testicle tree! And the lie that followed! I screamed with laughter. I thought America was full of perfectly decorated trees at Christmas! It warms my heart to know that I may not have been alone in flinging the box of decorations at our tree as I walked past it in clothes encrusted with dried banana and cereal during the baby years! Or that I probably wasn’t alone in telling awful lies such as the hamster opened the cage itself and waited for someone to open the back door before running away. Shame on me.


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